Finally…

I never ever in a million years thought I'd say this but here goes...I am so happy that I got to work out today!!! LOL I know those of you who know me are probably about to pass out and your jaws are on the floor but there it is! :) I've been sick for the last week and haven't been able to work out...hell I could barely get my big butt up off the couch and yes I had to flip over the cushions cuz there was a permanent dent! LOL Anywhoooo...today was day one of my 30 day challenge with the EA Active for my Wii. Tomorrow I have a Zumba class that I signed up for with one of my friends so that should be interesting. :) So I'm back on track and on a mission to continue exercising, watching what I eat and losing weight! Fire up for me!

You Can’t Make a Silk Purse out of a Sows Ear

Thanks to my mom for this poetic life lesson. She's right though it's just taken me some time to realize it. How did this come up in the first place you ask? Talking about a friend/ex-boyfriend who has been in and out of my life since I was about 14 years old…I'm almost 38 now and that's a long habit to break. He's a funny well meaning person and even though he doesn't realize it he's a lifelong people user. He takes and takes and takes and gives just enough back to make you forget that he's on the verge of really pissing you off or hurting you or disappearing for long periods of time with no explanation until the doodoo hits the preverbal fan. Then who do you suppose he calls….that's right then he comes running because he knows I'll do what I can to help him get through it…once he's through the rough patch though he always distances himself and tells me and probably himself that he's not ready for a relationship…HELLOOOOOOO I don't either!!!!

I'm telling you I do love him, I mean, how can you not love someone who's known you for so many years, who's always been able to make you laugh like no one else and who has always had the ability to make you feel good about yourself. But I've wised up and this last time I was in control…when he started getting "weird" about there being an "us" I said hold on big guy not so fast…You aren't ready for a relationship and right now I don't want one with you. I told him if it happens in the future we'll see but right now I have no interest so what does he do…gets himself back in my life as a friend, starts hanging out at my house more, helps me with stuff around here starts talking about "us" then slams on the breaks and tells me that he's not ready for a relationship. DUH…once again I have to tell him you're the one doing this, I'm not talking about us I'm not treating this like a relationship I don't want one with you and I tell him that unless he can just be my friend maybe we can't be friends at all. We have a great talk and I think things are fine and that we are going to be able to be friends after all.

We text and talk a bit on the phone then a whole lot of nothing…it kind of drives me nuts because seriously, who does that? Who just stops talking to you when you're supposed to be friends? So I text him and say what's the deal I thought things were OK and we were going to be friends…Friends return phone calls and texts don't they. He finally responds and somehow as he always does, turns it around to being all about him…he told me he was trying to wrap his head around me telling him we can't be friends anymore…that it crushed him that I would say that. That he loves me and can't imagine why I couldn't be his friend. My response was simply "R U Serious? That is not what I said!" I went on to re-explain again what I said in the long phone conversation (all I can say is thank God for full keyboard phones). I know the dynamics of our friendship aren't clear cut…we've been in a relationship, hell we lived together for awhile but we parted as friends so yes maybe there is a very fine line there but it was pretty thick line I think…I made myself pretty clear.

Anywhoooo, the texts ended with he'd call me so we could talk…that was 2 days ago and still nothing. Am I surprised? Not really. Am I sad? Yes, a little. Am I relieved? Kind of…at least by his not calling me he can't turn this all around to poor him, he's been so upset by this. I already know what he'll say if and when he calls and I already know that at some dysfunctional level he'll say things that will make me feel bad for the whole situation…how twisted is that? This is his usual MO…he won't change. I know he's got the goodness in him he just doesn't have the strength to be the man he should be.

Men In Trees

I used to love the show Men in Trees…Marion used to always have these great things she'd say at the end of each show and I used to make sure I'd DVR the show so I could rewind it to make sure I got every word she said…this was one of my favorites.

Sometimes it's not until a storm comes that things get unearthed. We get to see what's underneath, the dark secrets and the truths that in the light of day we keep hidden. For some the truth will make them feel closer. For others it will make them more alone. Pain will get uprooted; Some pain still too deep to be seen by human eyes. But in time as we replant ourselves we will be thankful, because like the roots of a tree it's what lies beneath that allows us to grow; Together or apart.

~~Men In Trees (Oct. 12, 2007)

Stream of Consciousness??

I sometimes wonder what to do with all my crazy thoughts in my head…who really cares about them other than me? Well I guess we'll have to see…I'm going to put this out there and see what comes back. I'm not sure where to start exactly or where this will go but we'll see. I think I'm going to start it as a stream of consciousness and see if what road it takes us…buckle your seatbelts this could be a bumpy ride.